Can I Be a Good Parent if I Have Triggers?
I recently learned that the title of today’s blog post is a common question asked by parents on Chat GPT so I wanted to take some time to answer that heart rending question and lay any misunderstandings about this to rest. It’s really normal for parents to feel wracked with guilt when they find themselves over-reacting to their kids and having a hard time stopping themselves in these moments. Today we’ll learn more about why being a parent can be so triggering and what to do. I hope everyone reading this can start to give themselves some grace and approach triggering situations with their kids in a healthy way.
What is a trigger?
Trigger is a word that’s been thrown around a lot lately, and like many words that have become popularized online it can be a bit misunderstood. So lets start with defining this term. Not everything that makes a person upset is a trigger. Sometimes things are just upsetting. When the word trigger is properly used it means something was upsetting AND the intensity of our emotions and our ability to respond to them effectively is out of proportion to the situation. That’s because what you just experienced was somehow related to something from your past that is still unresolved. In this moment your fight/flight/freeze response has been activated (read here for more on how that all looks) Maybe it’s a trauma experience and PTSD is part of your story, maybe its something very stressful from the past that is still sitting with you. Sometimes people don’t even know what from their past is leading them to being triggered, they just know that their reaction to certain situations seems out of balance. For many parents that situation is something their kids do that feels really upsetting.
Why does this happen with my kids?
As any parent can tell you raising kids is the hardest job in the world. We’re expected to turn these tiny beings who are so dependent on us into polite, functional, successful, happy adults. However they come with their own opinions, bad choices, and make a lot of mistakes on the way. Sometimes they’re loud, sometimes they come across as rude, sometimes they break rules. Every single parent gets upset with their children at times. These upsetting behaviors are often developmentally normal, kids have undeveloped brains, are still learning how to operate in the world and understand complex social rules. If we are triggered rather than just upset with our kids, its harder to give them grace and remember it’s normal, OR maybe we do remember it’s normal kid behavior, but because it touched on something unresolved from the past we can’t logic through it. Our flight/fight/freeze system has been activated and logic goes completely out the window.
Throw on top of this the indescribable love we have for our children. You love this child so deeply and feel a massive responsibility for them. That which we love the most, also had the power to upset us the most. Our kids are like a mirror showing us our unresolved stuff because of that love we have for them.
So am I a bad parent for getting triggered?
The short answer here is a big no! Just because we’re parents doesn't mean we don’t have lives and that are stressful or traumatic stuff happened to us, we all have our triggers. The key is how you handle those triggers, and there are plenty of healthy ways to do this. Now that we know our flight/fight/freeze response was activated AND it has more to do with past bad experiences rather than what’s gong on the present, there are steps you can take to calm your nervous system back down and respond based on what’s happening right now rather than react from a less regulated place. Here’s some quick tips:
Stop, do not react- leave the situation if you need some space to keep yourself from reacting.
Help your body calm down- try slow, deep breathes, a few minutes of intense exercise, splash cold water on your face or find your own method.
Re-connect with the logical side of your brain- Name all the objects around you that are blue (or green, or red) List all of the sounds you can hear (or smells, or things you see, etc) Find a distraction that uses logic such as a puzzle game or a household task to complete.
Decide mindfully how you want to respond to your child’s behavior that was triggering once your body and brain are back on-line.
If you lost your cool before following these steps, that’s okay. Apologize for your reaction and use it as an opportunity to learn what worked for you and what didn’t for next time.
A lot of times as parents we think we need to respond to our kid’s behavior right away. That can be useful for their learning, however, if we’re triggered and emotions are running high its actually better to wait. Unless your child is doing something that puts themselves or others in immediate danger, take a moment until you can address it with a clear head.
Skills to manage triggers are a great place to start, but the very best thing you can do for your children is work through your past so you don’t have to keep white-knuckling through these skills. Research shows that when parents have the chance to make sense of, and heal from their past they can respond to their kids in a way they feel good about. If you’re ready to learn more about how to get there reach out below!